Let's Talk About Sex

So, yesterday evening I attended a screening/ discussion entitled, "Sex, Brain, Body: Make the Connection," which featured a video of the same name discussing issues with women's sexual arousal. I thought it would be an interesting event to attend because I had issues in that area of my life prior to having a baby and because my ultimate goal is to become a marriage and family psychologist and attending lectures is my only outlet to education at the present time.

The video was good in that it let women know that they weren't alone. Women of many different ages and in very different areas in there lives were facing the same issues and getting the same feedback. For me, it was reassuring to know that many other women had gone to doctors and been told that nothing was wrong or had just been brushed off without even the simplest tests. In my own life, having no sex drive seemed like a death sentence without any chance of a pardon. To doctors, since my hormone levels were normal, it was all in my head.

Well, I will say that the video also showed that there were a lot of new studies going on that demonstrated how much women were in their heads during sex. In fact, it gave an interesting tid-bit about how women with hypoactive sexual desire had different areas of their brain light up on an fMRI when they became aroused which suggested that they were spending more time judging themselves and their partners than women who retained normal desire. Thus, in a way, it may be all in our heads.

However, the video and lecture also explained how little we really know about women's sexual desire and therefore how little we can actually do. But, what was even more discouraging to me personally was that the entirety of the film focused on medical interventions. Being an advocate for alternative therapies, I was disappointed in the fact that these wonderful new institutions for women would not think to incorporate homeopathic medicine, acupuncture, yoga, etc. into their treatment plans. I guess for them, suggesting erotic materials and exercises stays within the medical model?

Overall, it was a good experience and I would suggest that other women with arousal issues watch the video because it does make you feel a little less like an outsider. However, I would also suggest that they entertain other options. After all, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to find solutions now and not wait for the medical community to catch up!

Aubrey's Birth

After months of attempts at writing and editing, I finally feel as though my daughter's birth story is ready to share with the world. I'm sure that some of you are thinking, geeze, why would it take that long to write a birth story. Well, at one time in my life, I may have agreed but at that time in my life, I wasn't married to a writer! In fact, my obsession with editing as if I were writing a book for thousands to read, is probably why I have stopped blogging for such a long time. However, I hope to brake that habit in most of my blogging; but for the really important stuff, you're just going to have to wait! Hope you enjoy!

On October 11, 2009, I did not have a baby. That’s right folks, nothing happened that day or the next; in fact, to start this story, we have to skip ahead  eleven days, two rounds of acupuncture, two painful doctor’s appointments, and numerous walks, spicy foods, prayers, and tears. But alas, on October 22^nd, something finally did happen.

On the night of the 21^st, I had just received my second round of acupuncture and while I was there, my acupuncturist suggested that I make sure that I wasn’t blocked by “flushing out my system”. Unfortunately, I had lost all patience and when the herbal supplements that were given to “flush me out” didn’t start working in 15 seconds, I took more. This bright idea led to a night full of trips to the bathroom and not much sleep. By morning, I was somewhat glad that I hadn’t started having contractions which was very different from most days at that point.

Besides that, my morning began like most others in the past two weeks with yet another doctor’s appointment. I had my midwife swipe me again and scheduled my induction for the next Tuesday with the hope that I wouldn’t make it that long. After seeing my midwife, I had an ultrasound to make sure everything was alright (and I had them check to make sure it was a girl…just in case). While I was waiting for the ultrasound, I started having back pain but still no contractions. I thought maybe it was starting but was afraid to “scare it off” by getting too excited so I went home and tried to get some sleep.

When I woke up, the back pain was gone and I was very discouraged. I called Clay and begged him to skip his college class and come help me try anything and everything to get things started. He wasn’t so happy with the idea but came home anyway. Not more than 15 minutes after Clay got home, I started having green liquid come out of me. At first, I thought I might be peeing myself so we decided to wait and see. However, less than an hour later, I had clogged the toilet with all of my trips to the bathroom cleaning myself up and we decided that we would go get a plunger and get dinner and then call the midwife.

As soon as I told our midwife what was happening, she told me that my water was definitely breaking and to get to the hospital. Clay and I packed up everything, I picked up the house (yes, I cleaned up even in labor), and then we were off... that is, after I straightened my hair (you know, for pictures.)

When we arrived, things proceeded very slowly. I was having some back pain and continuing to leak small gushes of green while we filled out paperwork and spent one of the longest hours of my life in very uncomfortable office chairs in triage. They finally finished figuring out insurance stuff and brought us back to a triage room where we were informed once again that I was in labor and my water was breaking. Of course, this news came after the final gush of nasty green liquid which had already made things quite obvious to both Clay and me.

Now, I won’t spend a long time ranting about this but I will say that triage was the least fun experience of labor. That’s right, it wasn’t the excruciatingly painful, back-to-back contractions that I remember as being awful, it was triage. Our first nurse made the green water breaking experience (also known as mecomium) out to be such a small thing that Clay and I started to discuss going back home to labor and our second nurse made a stark contrast by telling us that we were going to have to be constantly monitored and making me feel as if our entire birth plan was out the window. My mom and Clay tried to keep me calm during this time of switch backs by reminding me that I would not be in triage much longer and I would be able to switch nurses if necessary. (Of course, the most important part at that time was that I made it to a birthing room before Grey’s Anatomy. They did get that part right.)

When I was taken to my birthing suite, things were cleared up and I began to regain peace and I started to watch Grey’s( still not having contractions). It was obvious that I was going to have back labor because the back pain had been persistent for a while but I still thought that I might get lucky and not start having strong contractions till I finished my shows… I was WRONG!

When contractions started, they went from every few minutes to back-to-back in a matter of thirty minutes. After that, there was no stopping them. My memories of that part of labor are a long blur of breathing, relaxation techniques, water, trips to the bathroom, and my three laboring positions: 1. Leaning over the bed on my knees 2. Hanging over Clay while standing 3. On all fours in the bed. This constant rotation lasted for about six hours without rest when I was calmly informed that I was only at a six and my blood pressure was very high and I might be preeclamptic. I was told that this may be due to my level of pain and that something may need to be done. So, despite all my preparation, I began to consider getting an epidural.

Although to some women, an epidural is just something you get when you have a baby, I knew that it came with a lot of negatives and it was not something that I wanted. However, nothing was more important to me than having a healthy baby and trying to have a vaginal delivery; and I felt that an epidural would be the least invasive way to protect Aubrey while still attempting to have a vaginal
delivery; so I surrendered to the epidural.

When the epidural was given, things changed drastically. After hours of work, Clay finally had the chance to go to the bathroom, eat, and even take a nap. I was able to say, “Hi!” to everyone that had joined us in the birthing suite (i.e. Desi, Steve, and my dad). And my blood pressure dropped enough to continue laboring without further procedures.

The epidural itself was funky. It numbed my left side more than my right and I couldn’t even keep my left leg from falling. Despite my numbness, I was still able to move onto all fours and help rotate the baby and get rid of my remaining lip by doing pelvic rocks and after a few rounds of Pitocin, I began to push.

The pushing stage was long and drawn out so Clay was able to sleep during part of it. Desi or my mom helped hold one of my legs while my midwife or nurse held the other. It was overall a very calm experience and my midwife, Leanna, stayed with me during most of this time.

Eventually, Clay was woken up and it was time to get to the finish line. So much build up had been going on in my head that I wasn’t certain what to expect when the baby actually came out. I had been so focused on the birthing process that I hadn’t had very much time to prepare for the part where the baby comes out!

I was very focused and determined while I was pushing. I could feel the head come out a little and go back in as she ebbed and flowed her way toward the surface. I remember visualizing the head popping out and the way the baby just seemed to slip out after that. I kept thinking, “just get the head out and she’ll slide out!”

I was told when I was having a contraction and allowed to push when I was ready. Leanna asked me to give her three good pushes during each contraction but most of the time I felt that I could do four so I did. Everything was guided around what I could do and as I felt the burning sensation become more and more intense, I became more focused, determined, and powerful. It was the most powerful moment in my entire life and I don’t think that you could ever feel more like an amazing goddess of a woman than you feel when you push a child out of your being.

When Aubrey finally emerged, things seemed to be so eerily quiet. She slid right out after her head came through with more of a grunt than an actual push. She was a bluish white and the pediactric team scooped her up quickly and began to work on her. It was so exciting and so scary at the same time. I kept asking, “What’s going on?” “Is everything okay?” “What are they doing?” “When is she going to cry?”. Everyone was focused on different things.  Leanna was dealing with my placenta and stitches, Clay was following my request and staying with the baby, Desi was crying and telling me how amazing it all was and that it was okay to cry, my mom was trying to keep me calm and telling me to focus on my breathing, and all I wanted to do was hear Aubrey cry and finally, she did.

I will never feel as relieved as I did when she cried for the first time. That is when the tears really started to flow. That is when I knew that my baby girl was safe. And that is when I fully and completely became Miss Aubrey Delyse’s mother.

Soon after, she was handed to me and I began to unwrap her and put her to my skin. Clay encouraged me to start feeding her but I soon realized that I had no idea how to breastfeed so I had to wait until a nurse could guide me. Aubrey wasn’t quite into nursing right away but she soon latched somewhat and it was a really weird but neat feeling.

I never did all that count the fingers and toes thing. I just stared at her a lot. She was so beautiful! She had the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen and her hair was so full and her skin was so white. She looked nothing like most newborns. I told everyone that she must have waited till she was extra pretty before she decided to come out.

She also had a big personality from day one. When people were trying to give me suggestions on how to nurse her, they would tell me to direct her head to the nipple. However, Miss Delyse was not okay with that and would pull her head away from me when I would try. So, I learned very quickly that I had to let her feel that she was in some sort of control, or I would be butting heads with her (which did not surprise me since I had spent almost ten months learning that I was going to have a strong, stubborn daughter).

That day will never leave me. It was the day that my life became complete. After having found the love of my life, God had given us this beautiful, strong-willed, little girl to guide, nurture, and protect through life. My life’s longest dream had been fulfilled on that day and I will always cherish it. I love you Aubrey Delyse and no teenage rebellion or stealing my clothes or whatever other craziness may come in life will ever change that fact. You are my child and I know that I will do everything in my power to help you become a great woman.